Grief after Childbirth- Lifting the Shame
Margie at The Unashamed Mama invited me to write about my own personal experience.
You can read it at their blog or below.
May 26th 2020, the day my beautiful, healthy baby girl entered this world, beaming with pure innocence. It was also the day I fell into a deep, engulfing state of grief. A grief that hit me so unexpectedly, a grief that kept me up at night and led me to unwavering tears. Grieving when you have gained life’s most precious gift? Grieving when you have just had one of the most memorable days? How did this happen?
Rewind 9 months prior, my husband and I had just had the wedding of our dreams. Family, friends from all over the globe traveled to the depths of the English countryside to share in celebration of our relationship. I remember looking up as I read our vows, as tears began to well, and seeing the faces of every single person I loved…there.. in the same room. That level of connection, of community is so so energizing and powerful, it can leave you reeling for months. That weekend felt like the beginning of something new, of a relationship founded on commitment, honesty and mutual hard work- something so valuable to me having witnessed the pain of my parent’s divorce. It was just the two of us, stable and secure in each other, until… six weeks later a cautionary pregnancy test showed two pink lines. We were pregnant.
Our standard societal portrayal of birth, and pregnancy as well, is filled with immense joy, warmth and love. Though these elements are there, we do not talk about how parallel to these emotions lie a sense of loss. A loss that at times can be so crippling, it invites other emotions… shame, guilt and confusion. When we bring a child into this world, we gain so much, but there is also so much change. We no longer have the same sense of freedom or a lack of responsibility. Our identities morph and we can sometimes be lost in who we are, partner/wife, daughter, sister and now mother.
Next to our bed in our apartment are four pictures from when my husband proposed to me. In the middle of the night, a few days postpartum, the moonlight seeped through the curtains in our bedroom and highlighted those images. A wave of grief came over me, I wiped away tears quickly, trying not to wake up a sleeping newborn and an exhausted husband. I will never get that back, I thought as a looked at those pictures. I will never get to have those experiences again with my husband, I’ll never get to travel, I’ll never get to bake cookies at midnight on a Saturday night because I want to. I’ll never again have the life I used to. That was grief; entering my mind and creating delusional thoughts.
Grief isn’t something we can get over; it isn’t something we can breathe away or use techniques to alleviate. Grief is something that we have to go through, we have to allow the emotions to penetrate us. We have to let ourselves feel it in the depths of our bones in order to move forward. Moving forward was hard. Though there weren’t quick fixes, there were things that helped immensely. Don’t forget the power of connection and sharing your truth. I remember sitting down at my mom’s kitchen table, sore nipples for being up all-night breastfeeding, bags under my eyes, the war marks of motherhood, and bawling, sharing my feelings with my sisters and mother. It was hard to do that, to share my pain during this “beautiful time” but it was so healing. To know you are not alone, to have people tell you that you will get through, that a new life of beauty awaits can be just what you need when you are floating in the clouds of grief.
So, mama… if you are there too, wading between the two rivers of grief and joy, know you are not alone. We might not talk about it enough, but with every change in life comes new experiences but also the loss of the old. Allow yourself to grieve the old. Know it is okay…know it is normal…know that these emotions will pass. Reach out, connect, share your experience and know you will get through.
From mother to mother,
April
April Brown, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist residing in sunny Florida with her husband and beautiful daughter. A mother too, she began offering counseling to mothers and fathers through pregnancy, postpartum and beyond. It was her own personal challenges during pregnancy and postpartum that led her to see the need for more support for new parents.
April Brown, LMFT
Website: www.theheardcounseling.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/pregnancy.postpartum.therapist/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pregnancypostpartumtherapy
DISCALIMER: If you are feeling any of the emotions outlined above or sensing any changes in your mood either during pregnancy or postpartum, reach out to your care provider. That may be your midwife, OBGYN, therapist, doula, whoever it is let them know that you are noticing mood changes. You might begin by saying, “I am not completely sure what is going on but I have noticed I am experiencing some changes in my mood. Do you know anything about perinatal mood disorder?”
RESOURCES:
1-800-944-4773 Postpartum Support International Helpline
Text : 503-894-9453