Grief after Childbirth- Lifting the Shame
May 26th 2020, the day my beautiful, healthy baby girl entered this world, beaming with pure innocence. It was also the day I fell into a deep, engulfing state of grief. A grief that hit me so unexpectedly, a grief that kept me up at night and led me to unwavering tears. Grieving when you have gained life’s most precious gift? Grieving when you have just had one of the most memorable days? How did this happen?
Rewind 9 months prior, my husband and I had just had the wedding of our dreams. Family, friends from all over the globe traveled to the depths of the English countryside to share in celebration of our relationship. I remember looking up as I read our vows, as tears began to well, and seeing the faces of every single person I loved…there.. in the same room. That level of connection, of community is so so energizing and powerful, it can leave you reeling for months. That weekend felt like the beginning of something new, of a relationship founded on commitment, honesty and mutual hard work- something so valuable to me having witnessed the pain of my parent’s divorce. It was just the two of us, stable and secure in each other, until… six weeks later a cautionary pregnancy test showed two pink lines. We were pregnant.
Our standard societal portrayal of birth, and pregnancy as well, is filled with immense joy, warmth and love. Though these elements are there, we do not talk about how parallel to these emotions lie a sense of loss. A loss that at times can be so crippling, it invites other emotions… shame, guilt and confusion. When we bring a child into this world, we gain so much, but there is also so much change. We no longer have the same sense of freedom or a lack of responsibility. Our identities morph and we can sometimes be lost in who we are, partner/wife, daughter, sister and now mother.
Next to our bed in our apartment are four pictures from when my husband proposed to me. In the middle of the night, a few days postpartum, the moonlight seeped through the curtains in our bedroom and highlighted those images. A wave of grief came over me, I wiped away tears quickly, trying not to wake up a sleeping newborn and an exhausted husband. I will never get that back, I thought as a looked at those pictures. I will never get to have those experiences again with my husband, I’ll never get to travel, I’ll never get to bake cookies at midnight on a Saturday night because I want to. I’ll never again have the life I used to. That was grief; entering my mind and creating delusional thoughts.
Grief isn’t something we can get over; it isn’t something we can breathe away or use techniques to alleviate. Grief is something that we have to go through, we have to allow the emotions to penetrate us. We have to let ourselves feel it in the depths of our bones in order to move forward. Moving forward was hard. Though there weren’t quick fixes, there were things that helped immensely. Don’t forget the power of connection and sharing your truth. I remember sitting down at my mom’s kitchen table, sore nipples for being up all-night breastfeeding, bags under my eyes, the war marks of motherhood, and bawling, sharing my feelings with my sisters and mother. It was hard to do that, to share my pain during this “beautiful time” but it was so healing. To know you are not alone, to have people tell you that you will get through, that a new life of beauty awaits can be just what you need when you are floating in the clouds of grief.
So, mama… if you are there too, wading between the two rivers of grief and joy, know you are not alone. We might not talk about it enough, but with every change in life comes new experiences but also the loss of the old. Allow yourself to grieve the old. Know it is okay…know it is normal…know that these emotions will pass. Reach out, connect, share your experience and know you will get through.
From mother to mother,
April
April Brown, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist residing in sunny Florida with her husband and beautiful daughter. A mother too, she began offering counseling to mothers and fathers through pregnancy, postpartum and beyond. It was her own personal challenges during pregnancy and postpartum that led her to see the need for more support for new parents.
April Brown, LMFT
Website: www.theheardcounseling.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/pregnancy.postpartum.therapist/
DISCLAIMER: If you are feeling any of the emotions outlined above or sensing any changes in your mood either during pregnancy or postpartum, reach out to your care provider. That may be your midwife, OBGYN, therapist, doula, whoever it is let them know that you are noticing mood changes. You might begin by saying, “I am not completely sure what is going on but I have noticed I am experiencing some changes in my mood. Do you know anything about perinatal mood disorder?”
RESOURCES:
1-800-944-4773 Postpartum Support International Helpline
Text : 503-894-9453
My Personal Experience with an Unplanned Pregnancy.
You just get back from work after stopping at the local pharmacy to pick up a pregnancy test. You know you can’t be pregnant, right?, but you are feeling a little off and your period is delayed. You aren’t regular anyway so maybe the stress of the last few weeks has delayed your period. However, there is a lingering instinct that tells you to pick up that pregnancy test anyway. You hover over the stick, place it on the bathtub and wait. You do it casually, as if there is an inner dialogue between your brain and your instinct- your brain admonishing you for even listening to your inner voice. You wait. The sound of the dripping faucet begins to irk you, “I really need to fix that”, you tell yourself.
You pick up the white stick, gripped between your two fingers…shit. You are pregnant.
What Society Tells Us about Finding out you are Pregnant
I remember when this scenario played out in my life, the first thing I did was cry… and I can’t say they were happy tears. I was scared, I was shocked, I was mad at myself for allowing this to happen. We don’t talk about these emotions when we find out we are expecting. Society tells us that we always have to be happy when we find out we are conceiving, that we should be overcome with joy at the thought of welcoming a little being into this world, that we should be thankful for this opportunity we are given. For any Friends fans out there, the clip of Rachael finding out she is pregnant replays in my mind... she cried tears of joy at finding out she was having a baby and instantly hugged Phoebe and Monica upon discovering the news. This was far from the reality of my experience- mascara smeared down my face, shallow breaths from the weight of the news, feelings of dread and dissolution.
For many, this moment brings immense joy and relief and I don’t want to discredit those experiences. I want to acknowledge that often, this is not their journey, this is not their experience and that is okay. It is okay to not be okay with getting pregnant.
Emotions and Thoughts Around Discovering you are Pregnant
If you are pregnant and it was not planned there are many emotions you might be experiencing. You might be excited, happy or you might find yourself trying to process feelings you didn’t think would accompany you during this time.
Examples of thoughts you might be having after discovering an unplanned pregnancy:
“This isn’t the right time to have a baby.”
“How will the father react when I tell him?”
“What about my career, I was just starting to get myself established.”
“I am not ready for this. I am scared.”
“I feel so trapped; how did this happen?”
“I can’t believe it.”
“We can’t afford this right now.”
“Do I want this right now?”
These thoughts can bring about emotions of fear, uncertainty, overwhelm, regret and ambivalence. It is okay to feel these emotions. You have just found out life-altering news, something that could possibly change your life forever. This process is often very normal and common for women who have just discovered they are pregnant.
If it is Common, Why Don’t we Talk About It?
The reason why we don’t talk about these emotions is rooted in shame and guilt. We are programmed in our society to believe that as women it is our duty to have children, that our identity is connected and only validated when we become a mother. Couple that with the portrayal of motherhood in our society, think the smiling mother in movies, TV and social media, and we are hardwired to believe we are supposed to be happy at the prospect of being a mom. If we have any experiences that do not reflect the dominant portrayal of motherhood in our society then we are left with confusion and guilt- leading us to not address the issue but ignore it.
Feeling Guilt for your Emotions
Upon sensing that we aren’t overcome with joy in this moment, shame and guilt arrive. “What about all the mothers who are trying to conceive and battle infertility,” I tried to remind myself. “Why am I crying that I am pregnant,” I remember reprimanding myself. Yes, it is true that many women have a challenging journey to conception, but their experience is their experience and that does not discredit your own valid emotions and worries.
Guilt and shame arise when our own understanding does not match the expectations established by society.
A mom might feel guilt when leaving their child because we are programmed to believe that a mother’s sole focus should be their children. You might feel guilt when you experience regret, fear or sadness upon discovering you are pregnant because this experience is not accepted nor normalized in our communities.
What to do if you are Feeling Ambivalence, Fear and Regret around your Pregnancy?
Understand You are Not Alone
Know you are not alone. These emotions, thoughts and feelings may not be the common portrayal of the beginning of motherhood but it is the experience of many women. We seem to pathologize this experience, think there is something wrong with us, and that is not the case. Your response is valid. Your response is normal; you have just discovered that your whole life might change. It is okay to feel the immensity of that change.
Educate Yourself
Knowledge can often be the antithesis of anxiety and worry. If we know what real pregnancy and parenthood might look like, if we get a more realistic understanding of it, our anxiety can often be lowered – alleviating many challenging emotions.
Reach out for Connection
Navigating emotions and thoughts that are portrayed as wrong or “other” by society can be very lonely. Because you have not seen experiences similar to yours, whether it be on social media or television, you begin to feel like there is something wrong with you. Find accounts on social media that present a realistic image of motherhood and pregnancy. Reach out to a close friend and ask them how they navigate the challenges of parenthood and if you find that you are even more concerned about the emotions you are feeling, find a therapist in your area that might be of help.
My Experience
I looked at the two deep pink lines, tears filling my eyes. I was going to have a child. I remember not knowing where to turn, scared of judgment, other people’s opinions and thoughts. Weeks and even months passed and I was still battling the guilt and shame that came with trying to reconcile my emotions with the dominant portrayal of pregnancy and early motherhood. There were moments of joy, of feeling her kick, but most of my pregnancy I navigated how to prepare myself for so much change.
I remember this urge to be like those “excited moms” who seem to exude joy through their pores.
I wanted my emotions of fear and regret to evaporate, leaving behind a mother-to-be beaming with gratitude and anticipation. I was not that mother, that was not my journey, my experience, and it might not be yours.
In a strange way I am thankful for those challenging emotions that accompanied me through pregnancy because it prepared me for the trials of postpartum life. I didn’t view motherhood through rose colored glasses, I didn’t build expectations for myself on what motherhood should be, founded on its portrayal in society. I felt in my gut it would be tough, I felt that there would bring about so much change. Those feelings of anxiety, regret and ambivalence during pregnancy were signs from my instinct saying, this journey is going to be really, really hard.
However, what I did forget to acknowledge was that not all change is bad. Change can also bring so many great experiences, memories and lessons.
Change can bring you a beautiful spunky, happy, innocent, baby daughter named, Sienna, and I can now say wholeheartedly that that has been the greatest change in my life.