An online therapist’s thoughts on Mom guilt
We often hear and talk about Mom guilt, but what is Mom guilt? Guilt is a feeling we have when we assume we have done something wrong. Mom guilt is specifically that feeling Moms get when they feel like they have not done right by their child. It’s a very complicated feeling, but loads of Moms describe a similar sensation. Many Moms define Mom guilt as a physical sensation, a sinking feeling somewhere in their stomach. They feel like an overwhelming sense of shame or regret which pulls them towards their children. Mom guilt feels like a guttural response, almost instinctual. It thrusts you towards wanting to connect with your children- almost like you need reassured that they are still there, that you are still connected to them.
Society’s Role in Mom Guilt
So, is Mom Guilt an instinctual phenomenon? I think we really need to look at society’s role in perpetuating this experience. To understand society’s role in the commonality of Mom Guilt we need to look at what society says is a “good mother”. A good mother, at least by western society’s standards, is one that prioritizes the child above herself. A good mother is someone who is always with their children and enjoys being with their children at all times. Their sole role in life is to support their children to grow and be happy. We don’t realize it but even as a young child, young girls and women receive messages about how to be a good mother. As a young child, girls are encouraged to play with dolls and young babies and are praised for our caring nature. Girls are commended for being nurturing, for showing emotions and for taking care of others. These are all priming women for their understanding of what it means to be a good woman and a good mother.
Fast-forward many years later, a woman gives birth to their child. That mother may either want or need to work outside of the home. The mother might find herself enjoying her time outside of the home, engaging with other adults and working on things outside of her role of being a parent. However, she often is overwhelmed with a sense of guilt about being outside of the home and not being able to be there for her kids when they get back from school. She might compare herself to the other mothers that are first in line in the pick up line to get their kids. Or, she compares herself to the mothers who are on the PTA and pack the best lunch for their kids. She thinks, they must be better Moms than her because they are always there for their kids. This is Mom guilt at its worse. Here, the Mom has expectations of how she should be as a mother based on society’s values and norms. When she feels that she does not meet these expectations, that shame arises- Mom Guilt is born.
So what can we do about Mom guilt?
I personally, also experience Mom guilt. I often feel it after I have had an extra long day at work. I come home to see my daughter and feel guilt that I was not with her all day, that I could not be that mother that wants to be at home all day. Why can’t I just be like the other mothers that want to take care of children- who find fulfillment and complete joy in being a mother? This is the idea I am believed to think when I think about what it means to be a good mother to my daughter. When these thoughts enter my mind and when I feel Mom guilt, I remind myself of the role society plays in me feeling this way. I remove the blame from myself, and instead place the blame on society and the lack of social and emotional structures of support for mothers. Re-channeling this guilt and shame can be very relieving and empowering. Every time I begin to feel Mom guilt again, which happens more often than not, I tell myself that I am the best mother for my daughter and remind myself of why I am feeling Mom Guilt- society’s expectations.
Mom Guilt with an older child
When children get older and they can express their needs on wanting to be with you, Mom guilt can get even more complex. If you do have an older child who expresses their desire to be with you more, share with them the importance of self-care and taking care of our own personal needs first. It can be a great life lesson to teach our own children that each person has social, emotional, physical, financial and psychological needs. If these needs are met, then as mothers and as humans, we can better meet the needs of others, of our children.
The Heard Counseling is an online therapy practice with therapists in Miami, FL. We offer therapy for moms who feel that they might be struggling with Mom Guilt or any other aspect of motherhood. We are here for you to feel like yourself again.
BEGIN THERAPY FOR Moms IN FLORIDA:
Mama, you don’t have to suffer in silence. Support is available to help you get back to being the person and the mother you want to be. To begin online therapy in Florida, follow these steps:
Contact our South Florida counseling center,
Request an initial consultation appointment with an online therapist
Allow yourself the opportunity to heal and find peace through counseling.
OTHER SERVICES OFFERED AT THE HEARD COUNSELING:
The Heard Counseling offers mental health services at our therapy center based in Miami, Florida. Right now, we are offering all counseling services via online therapy in Florida . In addition to therapy for mothers, we also offer therapy for dads, postpartum anxiety and postpartum anxiety treatment, birth trauma treatment, infertility counseling and support, therapy for women and families who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss., and counseling for teens. Check out their blog for valuable mental health tips. Contact their counseling office to learn more about the many ways they can help or set up a free 20 min consult here