Do I Need To Go To Marriage Counseling?

            Deciding if you need marriage counseling is something that is not only incredibly personal, but also can be a very difficult conversation to have with your partner.  Oftentimes, people think that marriage counseling or couples counseling is for people who have a dysfunctional relationship, or an unhealthy relationship.  This isn’t necessarily the case! There are lots of couples that seek marriage counseling or couples counseling because they want to improve on an already great foundation, or they just feel a little disconnected from their partner. There are several keys that people in relationships use – healthy relationships use them less frequently and unhealthy relationships use them more frequently. Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in marriage counseling and couples counseling, coined them “The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse” and if you believe that these “Four Horsemen” are present in your relationship more than they should be – it may be a good idea to seek couples therapy!

A Sign that you Need to go to Couples Therapy: Criticism…

            Criticism exists in all relationships – romantic or otherwise.  However, it becomes an issue when you or your partner feel that the only way they are receiving communication is through criticism.  Criticism occurs typically when an individual uses “you always” or “you never” language.  This implies that you or your partner are not able to do anything correctly and can make an individual feel attacked.  When a person feels attacked, they tend to shut down – and healthy communication at that point is essentially dead. Criticism when it becomes a pattern, leads to individuals in the relationship feeling like they are not being heard, and leads individuals to feel badly about themselves. When people feel unheard and bad about themselves, they become defensive – which is our second horseman.

A Sign that you Need to go to Couples Counseling: Defensiveness…

            When a partner communicates through criticism, the other partner tends to respond in defense.  This occurs when a partner feels reprimanded or that they cannot do anything right, and they feel attacked.  When we feel attacked, we tend to want to defend ourselves.  This perpetuates the unhealthy and negative communication and doesn’t solve the true issue that at this point in the conversation is likely mis-perceived anyway.  Another way a partner can act defensively is when they respond by whining and “playing the victim” in the argument.  This shuts down all positive communication and allows for couples to get stuck in the negative pattern of criticism and defensiveness – never truly getting to the root of the issue. If you and your partner find you are getting stuck in the unhealthy communication cycle of criticism and defensiveness – it may be a good idea to see marriage counseling or couples counseling to break the negative cycle before it goes further.

A Sign that you Need to go to Marriage Counseling: Contempt…

            Contempt is a strong word, and an even stronger feeling.  Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts one partner on a higher ground or playing field than the other partner. Contempt can look like mocking the partner, calling them names, rolling their eyes when they are speaking, or sneering at them. Contempt is the worst horseman because it destroys relationships and destroys any love or admiration one partner has for the other.  Out of all of the horseman, this is the most damaging to a relationship and needs to be addressed immediately when it is noticed.  If you or your partner feel as though you are engaging in or receiving this kind of behavior – couples counseling or marriage counseling should be considered immediately.

A Sign that you Need to go to Couples Therapy: – Stonewalling… 

            Stonewalling occurs when the listener in the conversation stops listening and engaging.  This can mean that they physically walk away in the middle of the conversation, or they visibly shutdown and are no longer active members of the conversation.  It may appear that the individual engaging in the stonewalling behavior doesn’t care.  However, most of the time, that isn’t the case.  Typically, a person engages in stonewalling behavior because they are overwhelmed by the conversation/argument and are attempting to calm themselves.  However, this action does shut down any positive communication because it is perceived by the partner as apathy or not caring and stop the partner from wanting to try to communicate. If you feel that you or your partner engages in this pattern of behavior, you might want to reach out to a couples therapist in your area and ask them about couples counseling. We offer couples counseling in Miami and marriage counseling in Miami, as well as online in Florida.

We offer Couples Counseling in Miami and Couples Therapy Online in Florida

Couples counseling or marriage counseling can allow for both partners to have a healthy and calm space to discuss their struggles so that neither partner is engaging in any of the horsemen behaviors. If you are looking for an excellent couples therapist in Miami, we have some of the best!   Marriage counseling and couples counseling can be extremely rewarding for both you and your partner and the idea is not to “pick sides” or “see who is right or wrong” – the ultimate goal is to get you and your partner back to a healthy way of communicating with each other! If you feel like this might benefit you, please check out or therapists who offer marriage counseling in Miami

Reference material obtained from The Gottman website and from this writer’s training in The Gottman Method of Couples Counseling.